What Would Genghis Khan Do?

This is too funny. Now I want to make red and black beaded bracelets that say WWGKD for all my friends!

The New Motto: WWGKD?

by Jonathan Hall

I was driving on the freeway last Saturday night when I was abruptly cut off and nearly run off the road.

I began to think to myself, amid a variety of four letter words in my vocabulary, of a recourse in action. As I began to plot my revenge I realized something. People are heathens. Yes, we all claim to be innately good people, warmly supporting the constitution and care of others, but we all know that’s a lie. More importantly, how can I capitalize on this little known fact?

As the initials escaped my friend Judd’s mouth, I knew that this would in fact become the most successful product in history. WWGKD. As I returned to the scene in my head, picturing what I did do, and what I could have done, I began to smile. Not just a casual smile either, or one of those Cheshire cat grins. I’m talking about one of that Kool-Aid, you-know-what-eating grins. We all know what Jesus would do. Jesus would forgive him, bless him and let him go on his way. Jesus was a much bigger man than I am.

Since I am not fit to follow in his steps, I decided to follow the teachings of another great leader. And so I asked myself, what would Genghis Khan do? According to the historical readings I have so exhaustively researched, he would most likely follow him home screaming expletives in Mongolian, annihilate him and his entire family including the family pet, burn his crops, steal his livestock and set an example to the other drivers on the road. Then he would probably say something witty in Mongolian about the driver’s mother being overweight, frumpy and unappealing.

More importantly, I began thinking about how many people need a solid male figure in their lives. Who better than one of the most powerful and influential people in history. Who cares if he was a little bit over the top? It’s just details. But I digress.
I began to see how big of an impact WWGKD could be.

Just imagine all of the things that annoy important people like me. Jared from those Subway commercials. People who watch Fear Factor. Slow drivers in the fast lane. Slow walkers on the South Oval. Televangelists who make millions of dollars using the faces of Ethiopian children. People who shout out commands to the characters on the movie screen in the theater (“Say something!,” “Don't go in there!,” etc.). Anyone who likes William Shatner or Keanu Reaves. People who make quotation marks with their hands. Nosebreathers. Whoever decided Carrot Top was a good choice to put on their advertisements. People who dress in clothes rather inappropriate for their body type. People who ask stupid questions. Waking up with no pants on in the South Oval on a Tuesday afternoon wondering what happened the night before.

Maybe I’m sharing too much. Regardless, the list could go on and on, but I only get so much space. Most of these problems can be easily solved in the WWGKD process. I’m talking amazing results. Apparently there’s something refreshing and renewing about wielding a samurai sword and screaming angrily in Mongolian. I suggest you try it sometime.

If you can’t get Mongolian language lessons, then you’ll have to hold off until Friday, May 6. More to come on that in my next article. Stay tuned. You won’t want to miss this nationwide event.

—Jonathan Hall is a marketing junior. His column appears every other Friday. He can be reached at opinion@oudaily.com