The Eyes Have It

When I was a teenager I used to have scary dreams in which I was losing my sight, in which I could see only dim and blurred shapes and had to be led around by someone else. I always wondered if those were some kind of portent about my eyes--would I go blind someday? Just this week I remembered those dreams.

Earlier this year--when I finally got an insurance that would pay for it--I went to see an ophthalmologist about the doubled vision I have had for the last couple years. People freak out when you tell them that you see double all the time. But, honestly, it creeps up on you slowly. For me it started many years ago, but only happened when my eyes were tired after a long day of lots of reading or computer work. A good night's sleep and the eyes were normal again. About two years ago I realized it had become a permanent condition.

"How did you cope?" and "how did you drive?" people asked when they found out. The answer is "carefully." What happens is that one eye gradually becomes dominant--in my case it was the left eye. The things you see with the other eye you basically ignore. Sometimes you just close your non-dominant eye and keep going one-eyed. Yes, it does affect your depth perception. Given the problem, I chose not to drive if the conditions were adverse--late night, weird weather, etc. The worst was night time city driving in rain when the lights are all multiplied and reflected off wet streets. If I had to drive in those circumstances I probably annoyed the other drivers by my over-cautiousness behind the wheel.

This year I finally decided something had to be done.

My doctor first did tests to rule out nerve damage, and then an MRI to make sure there was no brain tumor. That was a scary moment. The testing facility gave me a copy of my brain scan (a very cool thing to look at), and in it I saw a huge white mass below my right eye--the one that was turning inward the most. Fortunately the people who know about such things let me know that this was not a tumor--just one of the worst impacted sinuses in Northeast Ohio. With those more serious conditions ruled out, the only option left was surgery to correct the muscles around the eye.

I say "eye" singular, because that was the original plan. Just do the right eye--the worst one. See how that goes and if necessary do the left later down the road. For two weeks before hand I could have no painkillers with aspirin, had to limit certain foods like citrus, tomatoes, almonds, berries. The surgery was supposed to be done in the clinic at my doctor's eye care facility. I would be awake, but under a local anesthesia.  On the afternoon I was scheduled--having eaten noting after midnight the night before--I was prepped, given a mild relaxer, and given a shot into the eye-socket area that would paralyze the eye. Or so they thought. Trust me to be contrary. After two shots and a some considerable time waiting, my eye was still able to move. and I could still feel. The doctor gave up for the day.

That was fine with me as the while prospect of someone coming at my eye and me being able to see and feel it was totally horrifying by this point. They bandaged the eye, told me to leave it alone for 24 hours. That night I was in agony. The eyelids swelled up like a plum and the whole thing was about the same color. Cold compresses were only some help. three days later I was back to normal but looking like I had been punched. Whether it was an allergic reaction to the local or (my suspicion) some small particulate in an already irritated eye, I will never know. I just know I was miserable.

 They rescheduled me for a week later at a local hospital where they would do the procedure under a general anesthesia. As long as I was going under anyway, the doctor said we would do both eyes--make them nice and symmetrical and get it all done at once. Now I was beginning to panic. If it was that painful the first time, and the surgery hadn't even happened, what would both eyes be like?

For entire week before the surgery I annoyed my youngest daughters with my "if anything happens these are my final wishes" proclamations. 2011 has been a year of too many deaths, and I was worried the universe was about to kick me in the ass again.

Day of the surgery my daughter dropped me off at Akron City Hospital. Seven hours later, and this time with some serious painkillers, I was done. Steve came to take me home. They didn't bandage the eyes this time, but I could barely hold them open anyway. That was Tuesday, four days ago.  I went home and slept on the couch (a recliner, had to keep head elevated). I have been spending a lot of time since just sleeping. The doc gave me a prescription for an ointment that was both an antibiotic and a numbing agent--a good thing because the eyes itch and are very tender. My throat is raw as well--apparently I have a very small throat and intubating me for surgery was a problem. Who knew.

By the way, the nurses at Akron City are among the nicest people on the whole planet. Seriously. Angels.

The whole thing has made me think about what I value. The idea of losing my sight is about as scary as it gets. Not being able to read. Never seeing a sunset again. Or my cats. Or a rose. Not being able to watch  my five beautiful grandchildren as they change and grow. That scares me the most.

It has been three days since the surgery. I am happy to say that I am no longer cross-eyed. The white of my eyes in the inner corners is totally red and very sore.  I wake up with my eyes gunked shut, but warm compresses help. Bright light hurts. I found last night that too much TV tires my eyes and they cross a bit when tired. Need to be more careful with these eyes, they are the only ones I have.

Elusive Golden Cat

Nope. Though I have been known to imitate my cats and I do have blonde hair, I'm not talking about me. And of late I know have been elusive on this blog. But all that is because of too much going on in my life. So since I don't know where to begin talking about this year as it winds down to another ending in a year of far-too-many-things-ending, I will just--for now--give you a glimpse of a different elusive golden cat and promise to write about my elusivity (is that a word?) later. Enjoy the kitteh-ness below for now.

Un-mindful vs Mindful Eating

Went out to dinner (for sushi and Thai) last night with friends and ate so much I felt bloated. Trying to figure out why I do that. Some part of it is that I can't bear to waste food. I grew up in the era of "clean your plate." I remember lectures from my dad on how there were starving children in other parts of the world and owed it to them to appreciate the food I had. Some of it is about loving to cook and make really good food and the joy of sharing it with others.

This morning somehow I am down 2 lbs from yesterday. I should feel good about that, however, my jeans are still too tight. And I know those 2 lbs will creep back somewhere. Over the past 2 years I have put on too much weight. Some of it is the desk job making me spend more time sitting at the computer. Some if it is sitting in front of the TV where running to the refrigerator on the commercial break gets to be a habit.

Whatever it is I still want to lose 20 lbs. And cleaning my plate at the restaurant is not going to help.

Last night my friend Michelle mentioned she feels that she does "binge eating"--the habit of just eating because it's there, because your taste-buds are bored, not because you need food. Binge eaters eat because they are stressed and want to feel good and, lets face it, food tastes good. I don't think I eat because I feel stressed, but I know I am not overeating because I need food. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I felt hunger pains or felt my stomach rumbling.

My friend Lisa talks about "Mindful Eating." The idea that you choose to eat deliberately--for nourishment, for the sensation of taste, for the beauty of the food and the joy of the moment. I like that. I was thinking I need to pay more attention to whether I am eating out of boredom or out of a real need for food. I like that concept. I need to remember to savor the food, not wolf it down like I am starving.

Earlier this year I started keeping a food diary at Fat Secret. This is something Steve's nutritionist told him to do. Just to be aware of what you eat and drink. I was really faithful with it for a while, then in August I got lazy and and busy and just didn't. I'm going back to it again, but I have to admit I don't know if it helps to be aware of the calories in all the foods I eat. I also find the sheer caloric count in prepared foods disturbing. Why do restaurants serve such large portions? Why do I still feel the need to clean my plate after all these years?

I need to ask myself more often if I am hungry or if my taste-buds are just bored.

Pennsic War

It's that time of year again. Tomorrow, or maybe Friday, I need to put my entire house in a car and head to the 13th century. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but this is how I spend my summer vacations. I go to Western PA where I will set up a yurt and live for two weeks among 12,000 Medievalists recreating everything from Romanized Britain to the Vikings to Normans to Elizabethans, with Heian Japan and Karakorum of Chingis Khan tossed in for good measure.

Me? I like to run things, give up my entire vacation to be on the staff year 'round. Then I can haz mini-dragon.

Nova: Green Energy in China

Watch the full episode. See more NOVA.

Originally aired on PBS Nova April 2011.

Watch this now. Really. Right now.

Because the color of the chocolate eggs and the color of the cross...

An Easter thought for you all...