Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers

The Op-ed piece below was sent to me by a friend. After posting it on my English Department office door (and after all the hysterical laughter died down) I decided it was too good to just keep to myself. Joe, thanks! We needed that. . . .

Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers
by Joe Blundo The Columbus Dispatch 11/16/04

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

For all you Blue States

Found this on the internet (thanks to Lisa, and to Amy who shared it with her) and, well, it speaks to me. . . .

I've Got the Blues and Love'n It

By Ray Di Fazio

After stumbling through a few days of post-election disbelief, disappointment and denial, I now find myself feeling strangely liberated.

I've come to realize I've been worrying unnecessarily about a lot of people--e.g., young draft age folks, people in poverty, soldiers in Iraq, women at risk for unwanted pregnancy, people without health insurance, etc. -- who do not give a damn about themselves or others like them. As long as they can keep gay people from marrying, they're apparently content to live in ignorance, ambiguity and squalor, and have their children come home from Iraq without arms and legs.

When an anti-gay marriage amendment (which included removal of all civil union protections and legal rights for children of gay parents) can pass in Georgia by 79%, I can now stop worrying about helping people in that state. Clearly, the people in the "red" states have decided that poverty, war, illiteracy, job loss, no health insurance and reduced civil rights are less important than keeping Adam and Steve (or is it Steven?) from living next door.

Alabama defeated a proposition to eliminate Jim Crow era segregation language from its Constitution! That means the folks in Alabama are still undecided if African Americans are actually people!

When I learned that 99% of soldiers serving in Iraq voted for Bush again, I realized I can stop worrying about them or trying to bring them home. They are doing what they want to be doing and they voted accordingly.

If younger voters couldn't put aside their Playstations long enough to actually vote, then their choice will have consequences. If they face a draft (which is probably imminent), well, they can blame themselves.

In fact, all of these groups will have to face the consequences of their choice to support George W. Bush. Thankfully, I can breathe a sigh of relief. They will get exactly what they wanted.

I think us "blue" voters should stop trying to reason with the unreasonable and encourage like minded blue people to leave those red states. Let's invite them to California or to the rest of the blue states. Let them bring their creativity, economic clout, compassion, charity, tolerance, ideas, belief in science, etc. to states which think rationally and leave the rest of the freaks to fend for themselves.

What? Your trailer park in south Florida got swept away by a tornado and you need food, clothing and donations? Sorry. Don't look at me. Ask the red neck next door to put down his six pack and get you a money order and bail you out.

We are often discouraged because we continue to look to these people to have a light bulb moment -- but let's face it: it's not going to happen. There will be no epiphany. They will not realize their own hypocrisy. They will never realize that democracy applies to everyone. They will never understand that poverty and ignorance damages a society beyond belief. They will never acknowledge that a personal belief in God is just that, a personal belief, not a legislative one. They will never acknowledge that a single mom choosing between paying the electric bill and providing medical care for her child is not a moral failing on her part, but on society's.

There's an expression that says you should never wrestle with a pig, because the pig likes it and you just end up getting dirty. Sounds a little crazy, right? I've never felt more free.

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

Something to think about . . .

Humor helps

There is something hopeful in the rash lately of political humorists who have come out of the woodwork wielding the sword of satire in artwork. Thank you Old American Century!

And also in the media. Thank you Jon Stewart for The Daily Show! I still get most of my news from NPR, but I get hope for the future from you!

Doom. Oh yeah.

I haven't been able to write here lately. Haven't even felt much like ranting. All I can think about is the next four years and the erosion of our rights, our economy, our culture, and our environment.

Depressing. Isn't it.

Apparently we should all vote Republican . . .

. . . the others aren't counted anyway.

So, can anyone tell me why some polls in Ohio returned more Republican votes than they actually had total registered voters? Inquiring minds want to know.


the following message was posted to Democratic Underground by Czolgosz:

"Look at page 23 on the voter returns for Franklin County, Ohio:

http://www.franklincountyohio.gov/boe/04UnofficialResul...

Check out the presidential totals for precinct Gahana 1:

The Libertarian: 13
Bush/Cheney: 6253
Kerry/Edwards: 1916
Constitutional Party: 10

Now, check out the senatorial vote in that precinct:

Republican: 2848
Democrat: 1259

Did 4000 people vote for Bush/Cheney and just skip the senatorial vote?

No. Check out the precinct voter count: 4346.

An additional 4000 Bush/Cheney votes in box Gahana 1-B: go figure!

Bush/Cheney '04: 'More votes than voters: Now THAT'S a mandate!'"

November 2nd--potentially a day of doom

Well, here it is. Election day. Scary stuff. We may be stuck with the "cowboy" or we may get the preppie for awhile. What will change? Bush, quite frankly scares me. He seems to exude a stubborn I-am-right-and-God-is-on-my-side attitude about everything. He got the job of president after only six years in the hot seat in Texas. Before that he ran a baseball team. Not what you call great credentials. (Almost as bad as electing someone to run California whose only experience is in movie making and running a fitness club.)

On the other hand Kerry was not my first choice, either. Then again he does have more compassion for the plights of the lower and middle classes (a refreshing change from Bush who playacts the role of a "regular guy" while handing big money to his corporate pals). And Kerry is intelligent. He can even pronounce nuclear--ever since Bush lied about the weapons of mass distruction in Iraq I kinda worry about who's in charge of the last resort button being that stupid.

Actually last night on Frontline there was a wonderful side-by-side comparison of the 2 candidates which merely cemented my chice to vote for anybody-but-Bush.

I don't know why we don't seem to have really clear choices anymore. Did we ever? Or is it a function of the media frenzy that we live in which makes too much information available all the time. All I know is that Kerry is scary.

And we will have to wait till tomorrow to know what kind of a mess we will have to clean up next.